She was the size of a mango...

This was the day my life completely flipped upside down. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was October 16th just shy of a week since becoming a Registered Nurse. Of course the idea of taking pictures of a growing belly while holding the appropriate fruit per gestational age came to me at about 20 weeks.  Poor Michael patiently snapping 10, 15, photographs to get it perfect! As  for many women who experience their first pregnancy this excitement involves brainstorming all the creative ways to mark each month of change. This day marked much more than a photograph of me carrying a mango, the size of Joanie at the time. It marked the day we would find out Joanie would also die in my womb. The doctors said most likely before the third trimester. Many of you reading this know the story. She had Turners Syndrome. 45 Chromosomes, one less than most of the people you see walking around everyday. You see God had a completely different plan and purpose for Joanie's life. And ours. Little did we know it would carry us down a very painful, heartbreaking, and transforming road. This is where hands wide open comes in. Learning to live with hands wide open to whatever enters our lives. Ann Voskamp in One Thousand Gifts says, "Thanksgiving is the evidence of our acceptance to whatever he gives." I have been learning this through the carrying, death, and mourning of our daughter Joanie Elizabeth.

After this day I stopped marking the days. All joy in the journey of pregnancy was robbed from me. The anticipation of chronologically marking her growth got lost in the deep sorrow of my heart. Many did not see me showing or pregnant at all. I did manage to muster up the strength to take a 6 month shot. Only a week before Joanie had died. Looking at this picture of us seems so surreal. I can't help but cry. And miss her. Holding onto these memories are hard but it also overwhelms me with joy to think of the day we will be together again.

She will forever be beating in the middle of our lives.