Birthday Gratitude

Thursday was my birthday, I turned 25, a quarter of a century old!  Usually I wake up and reflect on the past year of life.  And as I started to let the film of the past roll through my mind I felt urged to stop.  Today was not about who I am based on the past year but who God is making me to be.  I was reminded that I am Child 1 John 3:1 See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. So often we determine who we are based on the past.  Our accomplishments and failures, the right and wrongs we've committed, the perceptions or feedback of others; completing losing site of the very blue print of our DNA, Genesis 1:27 So God created man in how own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.  Not to negate the necessity and importance of remembrance as a sign of gratitude for what God has done! And as a pillar of faith we stand upon, so when the storm comes we do not forget His faithfulness.  

And so my day began lying in bed being served a yummy breakfast and being reminded of who I am as a child of the living God!  What a great feeling to know you are loved.  I was blessed with cards, flowers, phone calls, and text messages throughout the day.  Although I think most of us wish life could just stop for the day, class awaited me as usual! The evening was spent at a wine bar with a group of my lady friends enjoying live music, appetizers & dessert, and great conversation!  Before I went to bed Michael surprised me with a handmade journal from Etsy that we will use to write our love story, capturing the memories and conversations of life together.  Michael surprised me last night with a night in Cambria and of course there is no trip North that doesn't include the Big Sur Coast.  Today we ran the Harmony Headland National Park Trail which starts from Hwy 1 out to the ocean.  It was breathtaking.  A perfect day after a storm. Need I say more.

SOMETIMES...

Sometimes I dream about being a little girl again

Sometimes I wish I could capture a moment forever

Sometimes I dream I was in Africa holding a child

Sometimes I wish I could hide from the world

Sometimes I dream about having children 

Sometimes I wish I didn't have to work so hard

Sometimes I dream everyone I love was saved

Sometimes I wish school came easier for me

Sometimes I dream about a french country home

Sometimes I wish I could eat sugar and not feel guilty

Sometimes I dream about heaven

Sometimes I wish I learned the first time

Sometimes I dream about living on a farm

Sometimes I wish I lived near everyone I loved

Sometimes I dream about the spiritual maturity I will have in ten years 

Sometimes I wish I could always be young

Sometimes I dream Jesus will come soon

SOMETIMES...

FAITH

2 Corinthians 5.7 Walk by faith and not by sight.  Hebrews 4. 1 Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. 6 And without faith it is impossible to please him, for whoever draws near to God must believe that He exists and that he rewards those who seek him. 8 By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to go out to a place that he was to receive as an inheritance.  And he went out, not knowing where he was going.  17 By faith Abraham, when he was tested, offered up Isaac, and he who received the promises was in the act of offering up his only son, of whom it was said, "Through Isaac shall your offspring be named."29 By faith the people crossed the Red Sea as if on dry land, but the Egyptians, when they attempted to do the same, were drowned.  By faith the walls of Jericho fell down after they had been encircled for seven days.  

By faith I walk clinging to my God who is bigger than my circumstances.  Pressing towards what is ahead and not holding onto the past that can so easily entangle and distract us from our great prize Jesus. Even when my heart feels like a stream of water in the hand of the Lord; turning it wherever He wills Proverbs 21:1, I am reminded of his promise Psalm 73:23, He is continually with me; who holds my right hand.  Who guides me with his counsel, and afterword will receive me to glory.  26 My heart and my flesh may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.  

When God gives you lemons make lemonade

"When God gives you lemons make lemonade!" I am not sure when I first heard this statement but I can only imagine a wise life weathered soul echoing these words long, long ago.  

"But I didn't ask for lemons!" 

I am sure we all have our "something" we didn't ask for. Wether it is a health, financial, relational, personal or spiritual affair, you didn't ask for it but you now have it.  So what I am learning to ask myself is not why but how? So, not why did you give me lemons? But how can I make lemonade? In other words how can I glorify you with these 'lemons' (sounds quite comical when you put it in the context of fruit)!

It is often easy to live in the fantasy of what we want and envision what life would be like.  I fall into this temptation many a times.  Michael and I were reminded last week by Rolland Baker, a man who is living like Jesus in a desperate and hungry country that there are two things that give him Joy (and this man had uncontrollable & uncontainable joy)....

1. The fear of the Lord

2. Doing His will 

As I have been reading through the book of Daniel with a good friend, I have been challenged by the God fearing faith of Daniel.  His life after Israel had been brought into captivity, was under scrutiny because he had gained favor in the eyes of the king and was appointed leadership over his courts.  Yet there was a clause to this nobility Daniel had been handed and that was embracing the Babylonian ways.  Daniel resolved not to become like the Babylonians and refused to eat, drink, or worship their Gods.  The fear of man did not dictate his loyalty to the Lord but the fear of God drove him to fierce loyalty.  And because of this as the story continues to unfold God is faithful to answer and deliver Daniel from many life threatening circumstances.  

And then there is doing his will. Knowing in simplest terms he calls us to love him & love our neighbor making us more holy and beautiful through the process.  And then there is suffering he calls us to as his children.  As well as specific gifts, callings, and plans he has on our life.  Which sounds so easy as I let these words flow out of me yet so unnatural when they go against my desires and plans.  And so the prayer I have been petitioning to Jesus is, "Give me joy to do your will!"

I was reminded of the fathers heart this morning in church as I heard a small voice speak to me.  Matthew 7:9-11 Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If then you who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! 

So my strength comes not in my circumstance but in the person of God & who I get to be in him! And who you get to be in him! What great news! 

Marriage

It seems like the more I fall in love the easier fear creeps in and says hold on tighter 'what if?'  And then the 'what ifs' begin to linger longer and become more clear.  Do you ever find yourself on these destructive mental paths of fear?  The uncontrollable moments of life that are pressed against every minute yet seem like invisible walls around us until the fear creeps in.  And then in the midst of meandering fears and rationality I remember my God who is in control.  Who knows my waking and lying down.  Who knows the number of hairs on my head.  Who knows my deepest heart cries.  And then I get to cling to Him and not the fear.  Oh what it would have been like for Abraham offering his only son Issac on the alter of sacrifice.  Fear, yes.  Sorrow and pain, yes.  But he was obedient and God honors obedience.  Now that I am one with Michael  we get to walk hand in hand on this journey of obedience towards His heavenly calling  of dying to ourself, bearing our cross, and worshiping our Creator however that may look and wherever that may be.  

As we were driving back from a wedding Saturday night we began talking about comparing.  Comparing is truly one of the most destructive devices the enemy uses to break us down with lies.  As we talked about our own individual battles of comparing I began to think about the comparisons that can easily slip into a marriage.  I came across this excerpt from John Piper the other day it spoke to my heart. Enjoy.

Marriage is not mainly about prospering economically; it is mainly about displaying the covenant-keeping love between Christ and his church. Knowing Christ is more important than making a living. Treasuring Christ is more important than bearing children. Being united to Christ by faith is a greater source of material success than perfect sex and double-income prosperity.

So it is with marriage. It is a momentary gift. It may last a lifetime, or it may be snatched away on the honeymoon. Either way, it is short. It may have many bright days, or it may be covered with clouds. If we make secondary things primary, we will be embittered at the sorrows we must face. But if we set our face to make of marriage mainly what God designed it to be, no sorrows and no calamities can stand in our way. Every one of them will be, not an obstacle to success, but a way to succeed. The beauty of the covenant-keeping love between Christ and his church shines brightest when nothing but Christ can sustain it.

Like a child

Free, fearless, trusting, and humble.  

As a child your heart did not question the boundaries mom and dad put around you, maybe your will and instincts did, but you did not yet have the capacity to emotionally and intellectually doubt and question those mothers instincts of, "Don't run into the street!"  You took one step back onto the curb, she embraced you and the moment became a fleeting vapor.  Now things are different.  You know the difference between right and wrong, you know the deadly capacity of carelessly running into the street, you see the other side of that street, so everything changes from this point on.  That fleeting vapor now feels like a thunderstorm in the middle of the Amazon.  A mothers good natured instinct becomes a battle of the wills.  Those uninhibited urges to just be free now take on the form of hot coils under your feet.  And those agents of death are no longer Tonka Trucks but life altering realities.  All of a sudden your world becomes much larger beyond the cement curb.  You trusted her when her stern loving voice directed your footsteps back to the house away from danger.  You trusted her when she would remind you to brush your teeth, not fully understanding the concept of bacteria and cavities.  You trusted her when she told you to drink all your milk because it would give you strong bones but you did not understand how.  You trusted her when she told you she would be there at 3:00pm even though you could not see into the future.  It was the natural overflow of a child's heart to trust.  And just like a pair of pants worn too much begin to fade so did that trusting heart. 

 And so I pray bring me back to that day I stopped at my mothers voice, without question or doubt.  To jump freely, fearlessly, trusting, and humbly into the arms of my Maker.    

Anniversary

J Patrick House 

Hwy 46

My dreamy French Country Home  

Country Life

Wine Tasting & Riding Bikes 

August 2nd, was our 2nd anniversary and we spent a cozy evening in Cambria at a Bed and Breakfast.  My one request was a fireplace and Robins, one of my favorite restaurants on the Central Coast.  We stayed in a very homey B&B and had a yummy homemade breakfast in the morning, a delicious dinner, and a gorgeous bike ride in Paso Robles through the vineyards.  It felt like we were in Napa! Our hearts were so full of gratitude and excitement of the blessing marriage has been for us.  The Lord has been so gracious to bring us through many challenges together to experience an even sweeter union.  One thing I prayed for when I was 16 was to have a husband who did not only appreciate the things I was passionate about but who enjoyed those things as well, and man oh man did the Lord hear that prayer! I always thought life would be much richer experiencing everything side by side with your best friend and it comes so easy for us.  I hope this does not seem like I am bragging yet rejoicing in Gods abundant blessings in our lives.  Everything is so much sweeter with Jesus!! 

Summer Happenings

Holy Cross Wilderness in Colorado 

My dear friend Meagan 

 Austin & Michael 

Pecos Wilderness in Santa Fe, New Mexico with the Lotzgesells 

Aspen

New Mexico 

Lathan, 3 years old

The Farm 

Michael and I just spent the last two weeks in Colorado and New Mexico experiencing sheer beauty in Gods Country & awesome fellowship with our dear friends the Kruggels in Colorado and the Lotzgesells in New Mexico.  As you can tell from the photographs we did a lot of exploring in nature; from backpacking, to hikes, to inner tubing, to fishing.  Our souls were refreshed by our dear friends who we could pray, encourage, and praise the Lord with!  Our last day in New Mexico we spent on this magical farm worn with decades of sweat, heat, and heart!   Our palates were satiated with Australian potatoes and rosemary(above), black eyed peas, garlic, leeks, asparagus, basil, corn and much more.  Not only were our bellies full as we boarded the plane but our hearts were singing...

Psalm 103:1

Praise the Lord, oh my soul, all my inmost being, praise his holy name  

Just Be Busy

"Just be busy!" Is this saying not the beat of almost every American drum?  When is there time to just "not be busy?"  Then as I began thinking more I don't think this is only an American problem it is a universal problem.  People of all nations and cultures are always tending to something whether it is a need or a want, we are busy.  So then I ask myself do I really know God?

Psalm 46:19 Be Still And Know That I Am God. 

 Or do I think that I am my own God, creating my own plans and schedule for the day even weeks and months ahead.  If I must be still to know that He is I Am, what experience am I having while I am "just being busy?"  I think the most poisonous tool the enemy uses is busyness and we have no problem using it because we feel productive, effective, important, and temporarily satisfied.  I hate this about myself "Martha" yet it seems almost impossible to escape this role & I don't even have kids.  To be honest I don't even have a job right now.  I am good at being a wife, a friend, a sister in Christ, but I really suck at being a daughter most of the time.  

Psalm 46:19 Be Still And Know That I Am God.  

Two things I heard while I was getting to know my Father today were, "I am inviting you to the banqueting table but you have declined the invitation to "just be busy" (Luke 14: 12-24 The Parable of the Great Banquet).  "Yet I have compassion on you and you are always with me, and all that is mine is yours" (Luke 15:11-32 The Parable of the Prodigal Son).  What great news, right? Yes, we are forgiven and accepted.  But to be honest I do not want to be okay with only his gracious response after I decline the offer to the party, I don't want to keep missing out on the party.  And I don't want to stand before my maker one day and hear him say, 

" I am glad you made it are you ready to be with me now my beautiful daughter?"   

 

Grass Valley

the beautiful bride

My lovely sisters from college

Mi Amor

Meagan & Austin celebrated their 1 year today

American River North Fork

My dear friend, sister in christ, and roommate from college got married this weekend to the love of her life, Stephen Miller.  If I could categorize Lauren and Stephen in two words it would be adventurous & down to earth.  Lauren & Stephen met our third year at Cal Poly and had an instant connection.  It has been a honor and joy to be apart of their relationship over the years and to have stood next to Lauren on her wedding day.  To give you a short snap shot of the wedding it was on a beautiful 50 acre property her family owns in Grass Valley where they have a vineyard and a 360 ariel view of the mountains and pine trees surrounding their area.  Breathtaking! But because it has been such an unusual month of May with rain and winds, Grass Valley brought some surprises yesterday.  It snowed, rained, and was extremely cold for an outdoor wedding in May:) but Lauren & Stephen being the people they are kept a smile on their faces the whole time.  After the storm eventually reached the property guests started taking shelter in the house and the outdoor wedding party turned into an indoor wedding party.  Have you ever seen a father daughter dance on a wood coffee table?  Or a living room transformed into a dance party with all of the furniture thrown outside? It was truly a celebration! 

I had a humbled moment when I looked out on the property to 150 empty white chairs, vases of flowers turned over and table linens sopping wet from the rain and thought, God does not care about any of these aesthetic details, He cares about people gathering together and loving one another! 

Family, compost, veggies, and Pismo

Veggie Beds in March 

Paine Plot Now 

gotta love the hill kids~ out at the farm! 

MaryLynn helping weed 

work in progress adjacent to the other plot

community farm (the hope:), anyone want to come out and hoe??? 

Sisters

This past weekend Michael and I had two honorary guests in our humble beach cottage in shell beach, Gerry Paine (aka mamma paine) and MaryLynn (aka aunt, gerry's sister).  Marylynn being from Canada had only a couple requests; the farmers market, Andreinni's, & Mexican food.  We enjoyed great conversations, gardening the new farm, a bond fire at our house, a historic walk in pismo beach, and of course you can't hang out with our aunt without doing a craft! There is nothing like quality time with family that makes you leaving feeling blessed, joyful, and refreshed.  Thanks for the company!! 

Self

"What she sees" by a 3rd grade girl today

The Mirror 

When you look in the mirror what do you see? Do you like what you see? Some days do you feel more attractive and beautiful than others?  Maybe its when you have lost a few pounds and have been working out more regularly.  Or maybe everyday you look in the mirror and you see yourself getting older and fatter.  Or maybe what they see, you don't see and have never seen.  And maybe, just maybe you are all like me and when you look in the mirror you see the reality of what the physical realm presents but not the reality of the spiritual realm.  I am talking about something deeper than what our eyes can behold.  Deeper than the number on the scale, or the size of your waist, or the wrinkles around your eyes, or the gray in your hair.  I am talking about the depth of our spirit that He sees every moment of every day.  And even now as I write this I am fighting against my flesh that say's "You are just not enough," every time I look in the mirror or see a reflection of myself or a picture, I only see what I believe and not the truth.  

And so what is the truth?

Romans 8:14 For all who are led by the Spirit of god are sons of God.  For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, "Abba! Father!"  The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God and if children, then heirs-heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him. 

The Battle 

For me and I think for most christians, the battle does not lie in knowing the truth, the battle lies in Matthew 10:38 Whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me.  Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. 

So, there is good news and bad news.  The good news is there is sonship with the Father! Heirs of Christ.  Sons & Daughters of the living God.  The bad news is in order to truly live, breathe, and move in this sonship we must die.  The thoughts of self, the reflection in the mirror, the comforts of materialism that say "I am worthy, I am beautiful, I am something."  Dying to myself, suffering, losing my life, these are all difficult truths for me to swallow.  And so I propose lets pray for this radical reality.  I need it but I am like Israel wanting to be in slavery, wanting to preserve myself.  Yet I want to be the man who found a treasure in a field and sold all he had to buy that field.  

The temporal cost is heavenly gain! 

 

Mission Accomplished

Feeling good at mile 6 

Approaching mile 9, paparazzi Michael on the move

Mile 10

My parents are on the left side cheering as I am running up towards them! 

Yah, the end! Michael was an informal runner that day:) 

My other fans, the Paines! 

I realized training and racing have a love hate relationship.  You see you train 99% longer than you do racing.  Racing is only 1% of the training and you better hope in however long that race takes it makes your training look dang good!  But the racing needs the training and the training needs the racing because that is when like I said, you get to shine:) Michael asked me the night before the race, "What is going to motivate you tomorrow?" That was easy, "thinking about all the hard work I have put forth for this day the past 10 weeks."  Of course I can think this out logically before the race but little did I know I would forget the past 10 weeks mentally but not physically and focus on every mile in front of me race day.  My goal for the half marathon was not only to complete the race but to finish @ 8:30 pace the whole time finishing in 1:50 minutes.  I am the type of person who needs the pressure in order to finish well, which I guess worked!

The night before the race Michael's parents came and stayed with my family so they could come and be cheerleaders.  The race started at 6:30am and Michael and I strolled in around 5:45am race day (yesterday) to a sea of 13,000 people.  Yes, 13,000 people ran the O.C half and full marathon that day!  I stretched, did my business (by the grace of God before the race), drank water, kissed my biggest fan Michael, and found my pace group.  The first 6 miles were great! The adrenal glands were pumping and I was feeling good.  But after about the 7th mile my relaxed state transformed into a very tense and uncomfortable state.  Most of the battle was thinking about maintaining my pace from the last mile, no where in sight were those motivational images of me running during training days, all I could think about was maintaining.  My little angel Michael found his way on the course periodically throughout the race completing a 10k that day:) He was my photographer  & very encouraging! I loved having my parents and in-laws there that day as well as I was looking forward to seeing them at mile 10.  Seeing the clock as I approached the finish line was glorious because I fought for my goal pace and time and achieved it! One of the things I have learned through this process is to never short change myself because I think I cannot do something.  And not just to do it, but to do it well.  I am already contemplating what my next race adventure will be...Lord willing:) 

O.C Half Marathon

I realized today I haven't wrote about the half marathon I will be doing this Sunday May 2nd, not sure why.  I think part of me does not want to come off as boasting as I know it is a big accomplishment for many people, including myself.  But I think instead of looking at it as an opportunity to boast it is truly an opportunity to give glory to the creator for allowing my body to achieve such a strenuous task. 

Two Sunday's ago I went on a long run before church in the morning.  I was at about mile 9 and had 2 more miles to go.  As I was running down Farrol St. in Arroyo Grande I saw a man in a wheel chair who had no legs.  We exchanged waves and I could not help but feel sorry for this man who would never experience what I was feeling in that moment again (unless the Lord restored his legs, may that be so).  Although it was a glory moment for me (a moment of praising God) for having legs.  Over the past ten weeks of training I have had many glory moments.  You see running does not come easily for me.  I have to mentally push myself to places I have never been before, mainly because I grew up dancing so running is like learning a foreign language.  A foreign language I am progressively growing stronger and more confident in. 

Please pray for rest, rejuvenation, and safety on my run Sunday!! 

 Some reasons I like to run...

• It is hard for me.  
• I get to see my body go to new levels it hasn't before
• It is always instantly rewarding after I reach the end of my run
• I feel empowered when I use reverse psychology to talk my body out of tired places
• I see progress weekly as I complete runs harder and longer 
• I get to just be! It is probably one of the only times in the day when I have no-one around me
• I listen to worship music blasting in my ears
• I get to smell the salty air or hints of eucalyptus
• I get to explore back country roads
• I get to be free from my mental check lists, worries, or agenda for the day
• It always gives me a reason to praise God for my health! 

Big Sur

Plaskett Creek Camp Site 

Our stove, we are quite the high rollers! 

Big Sur Coast at Sea Level

Big Sur Coast at 5, 148, the visibility was so clear we could see the Sierras 127 miles away

Cone Peak Trail, you can see where the fire came through

Redwoods 

My heart is sincerely overwhelmed at the wonder of HIS creation.  Michael and I are overwhelmingly thankful for this beautiful place in which we get to live and dwell this season of life.  We took a few days away from the business of life; work, school, house chores and other obligations to enjoy one another and our AWESOME God.   As usual we ended up on the Big Sur Coast camping for a few nights.  We had several encounters of Gods grace along the way as things usually don't go as planned.  We left almost two hours later than planned as we spent the morning visiting with a friend who was in town, Michael listening to some random man talk for half an hour in our front yard, and Michael once again being kind helping some British tourist use American gas pumps.  Like Heidi Baker says, "Stop for the one."  Our selfish driven culture is uncomfortable with this phrase, as myself live in this tension of wanting to love others yet wanting to mark another item off my check list.  But His little graces were among us: finding a campsite at 2:30pm over spring break, getting half off our campsite fee, free kindling and wood from our neighbor, and over $2o dollars of free wood from a family leaving, a beautiful warm day hiking over 5,000 feet in elevation 16 miles later with only a small blood filled scratch, a sleepy red wood trail with no one in sight, a cascading waterfall from the heavens, no mosquito bites and 3 perfect days in Big Sur.  We are so thankful!