Transition.

He was found down in a warehouse. No identification. Dirt embedded in his fingers and toes.  Once a young boy who found his way into this warehouse. Homeless. Alone. A John Doe. No one knowing of the last moments of his life. Unsure of when he was last told, I love you or looked at with dignity.

On his death bed alone. Surprisingly, this is quite normal. 

Passing through a series of channels where devices, medications, and skilled hands work to repair the years of neglect and utter abandonment.  The craniotomy a temporary band aid until the inevitable happens. Extubating this John Doe towards a destiny I am uncertain of. Draining nares and mucus secretions I try and hold my breath to maintain my appetite for life almost forgetting at times this is a man before me with a soul about to embark on another journey. 

Maybe its compartmentalizing or just plain survival.  

Possible of shutting off the natural human response to complete the responsibilities of care.

When my first patient coded and died a week and a half ago it all happened so quickly. I stood there, he was a DNR, and I fought back the tears as the room filled with nurses in task mode. I felt like I needed approval to just be so I asked one of the nurses if I could go hold his hand because frankly, no-one should die alone.  

 Often times there is relief when the patients finally give up or the family members withdraw care. The suffering has seized and the chains of modern technology are broken. Although I truly believe medicine is a gift passed down from the Lord, who is all wisdom and knowledge. It also becomes a means in which humanity can be stripped of their dignity especially at the end of life.

My hope is in the midst of this new normal I can restore dignity and forge a bridge of hope from this life to heaven. 

Honestly at the end of the day I am exhausted. Physically, emotionally, and mentally. The childlike joy that lives in me has suddenly had to take on this very mature adulthood to face the world head on. The other day I had this image of myself bear crawling in the middle of a battle field gathering bodies. As if all of a sudden I had been thrown in this battle field TRUSTING Father God to give me the weapons and tools I need to gather the wounded and fight off the enemy. 

As caregivers I know one of our many roles is to help postpone the inevitable, death. But I also know it  embodies so much more than caring for the physical. As I get trained to become competent at this, I also desire to keep my eyes fixed on the goal of His kingdom breaking forth in peoples lives. A touch of heaven on earth. 

As I navigate this battle field of wounded and dead soldiers I know I NEED Father Gods provisions to carry me, to carry them. I NEED to exchange my weary, sad, and overwhelmed spirit for His spirit of praise, joy, and shalom. I NEED to live free of condemnation in feeling like I should be doing more and TRUST Father God cares more about His glory being manifested than me. I NEED to live in the truth of the authority I have been given and throw off the opposition of fear and failure. I NEED to simply rest in His love and allow Him to be a channel of life through me. 

I am not good at resting lately. Especially as I have been operating out of this scarce mentality. The paradigm of not feeling like I ever have enough time. 

I was encouraged by 2 Kings 4 this weekend as I began to meditate on His abundance. The story is about the Widow and the oil. Her husband had died and her two sons would soon be sold to repay her debt. In desperation she went to Elija, the prophet, and asked what to do as she had nothing but a small amount of oil. He told her to gather as many jars as she could and fill each of the jars with the oil she did have. 

In her desperation she did that very thing, and it was not the oil she ran out of but the jars. Her debt was repayed and her sons remained. 

I love this story for several reasons. 

Nothing is impossible with Father God even when what is before us seems impossible.  

When we call on Him, He always gives us more than enough (time, resources, energy, love, patience ect)  

Oil was used in the old testament to anoint kings. When we operate under the Holy Spirits anointing Father ALWAYS makes a way. 

We serve a rich Daddy, who loves to bless His children abundantly.
Ask in the name of Jesus, and you shall receive. 

Come on this journey with me, and feast upon this story of the Widow and the Oil.

 Begin exchanging your small amount of oil for His ABUNDANCE!