Saying Yes.

My thought life has been highlighted more than usual the past several weeks.

I'm not sure if it is growing pains.
Having a full time career now.
Working long hours. 

Navigating through PTO, sick leave, and scheduled vacations. 

Being the most inexperienced nurse in the ICU. 

Incompetent. Nervous at times. Doubtful. 

Growing pains like the night before school after a long summer of timeless adventures. 

Yet a sense of anticipation, which comes with excitement, as I unzipped my new Jansport stuffed with fresh binders and pencils. 

Each year a little more responsibility. 

A little bit taller. 

A little bit smarter. 

Now seeing far beyond the playground I find myself much more aware of myself and my surroundings. 

Being in a profession driven by intellect, research, and competence.

I feel like an ant. 

You don't even know they are there most of the time because they're so small. 

I feel small.

Some days, I probably look like a deer caught in headlights. 

Clueless. 

Although I am finding in this small place I have two choices.
To allow fear and anxiety to rob me of this new blessing.
Or, allow this small place to become a catalyst for my dependence and to partner with what God is doing in my life.

I was in this small place when I carried Joanie.
It was as though in this space I was falling deeper into His loving embrace.
I could hardly handle looking to far ahead so with every step I found a rhythm with the Lord.
Usually my rhythm is about 5 steps in front of the Lord because I am always exciting for the next thing.

Often I ask myself how do I  continue falling deeper into Him?
Even when the newness has worn off and the familiar has kicked in?
Even when I am no longer feeling small?
Even when my steps seem slower or faster then the Lords rhythm over my life?

I heard a pastor say last week, "The Lord keeps your focus on him. And the enemy keeps your focus on yourself." This thought frightened me.
I am all about self-awareness and self-reflection, but typically these are not the daily conversations I have with myself.

Anytime I am not having a life giving conversation, whether be driven by comparison, fear, insecurity, selfishness, I am agreeing with the enemy and I am actually saying yes to the work he is doing.
That is a scary reality.

One of the first ways the enemy works is in our mind.

I found my thoughts drifting into fear and anxiety when I first started my job in the ICU.
In my smallness the world around me seemed impossible to overcome.
I had to find something to reassure me that actually GOD was working and not the enemy.
Often when I'd feel anxious, even on my runs where I am usually able to release my stress, I would say, "The Lord wants me to succeed."

The Lord wants me to succeed in all aspects of my life.
When I am not living in this reality I am saying YES to the work of the enemy.

Romans 12:2 Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world (Satan is the ruler of this world), but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. then you will be able to test and approve what Gods will is-his good, pleasing, and perfect will.

So whether I am in the small place or the familiar I am learning to allow the transformation of my mind to come by saying Yes to the Kingdom of God.

This is great news for us because we get to come in alignment with the perfect Kingdom and declare victory and success over every area of our life, including our thought life.

The Lord wants you to succeed!!